CRUNCH TIME!

It is crunch time ladies and gentlemen. That super-special time of the semester when every single teacher believes that his or her class is the only class that a student needs to focus on. Maybe all of the professors get together and plan to schedule all of their major assignments due on the same week? Who knows? Unfortunately, my crunch time happens to span over the course of 2 weeks- which is even worse. I actually cannot believe I am on the computer writing a blog right now when I should be focusing on the 20 page research paper that is due Thursday. Procrastination at its finest!

So I found out that one of the girls from my high school died this past week. What is with everyone dying all of a sudden. Seriously, people are dropping like flies (not to be disrespectful). Maybe the end of the world really is near? I hope not- I have plans for my future, but it depends on what God wills. I have been thinking about God's will a great deal lately. This past year has been exceptionally difficult for me. Not to acquire any sort of pity, but I have been diagnosed with moderate to severe depression, severe OCD, and high levels of anxiety. Perfect. I tried for so long to suppress any type of depressing attitudes. I wanted to be the one in the family who did not succumb to it. I failed; miserably I might add.... Things will improve greatly when i get back home and I am surrounded by people who love me. I can't always rely on other people to get me back to feeling right, I need to start pulling myself up. That is my current goal. Whenever I get in these depressed moods I am very snappy, I feel physically sick and emotionally and mentally exhausted. I slept nearly all day yesterday, and yet I woke up today tired. I am OVER feeling this way and I am getting it under control. (If I say "I am going to get it under control" it implies that there is a possibility of failure, so I must not say that!

I have tried to figure out why exactly I am depressed. What brought it on? Obviously, I have insecurities within myself. I don't mind being alone, but I prefer to be with others. I know I allow others to literally control how I feel, and define who I am. This past semester has taught me that. Truth is, other people are not in charge of me. I am in charge of me, and the only person above that is God, my creator and Savior. No one else defines who I am. My convictions and beliefs define who I am. I allowed myself to feel insignificant, to feel like nothing more than a servant that could be tossed around without remorse. Not anymore! I've realized what it is I value in life. I've realized that change is normal, and people will come and go from your life just as the seasons come and go. I can't fight that, and I refuse to spend anymore time dwelling on the past. I have a tendency to forgive others countless times. We are supposed to forgive seventy times 7 times right? What I have come to find out is that there is a HUGE difference in forgiving and allowing a continuation of mistreating. I can forgive, but that does not mean I must subject myself at the cost of that forgiveness. I'm standing up for me for the first time in my life. Many people think I have now become bitchy and self-centered, but what they don't realize is that if they are feeling that way about me, it is they who are the ones who are selfish. They don't like the fact that I no longer bend over backwards to do things for people who hurt me, tough shit. I think my friendship is just like trust in that you will have it no matter what, until you break it, and then you will have to work like hell to get it back. I can be civil, and I can be friendly and forgiving, but I will not be a victim anymore.

On a happier note I am almost halfway done with college! Three weeks left to go! I will be returning to the studio to teach and be a counselor for the summer, so I am super excited. The company cruise is in June, and I can think only of the delicious food, questionable sweedish massages, cliff diving, off-shore fishing, opportunities to practice my spanish, and irreplaceable time with my mom and my dance family. I couldn't bring the Bear with me, so that will be sad- but it is only for a week! I can do a week! =) Speaking of the Bear- May 6th will be 4 years for us! Holy smokes......whodathunkit?! We were talking about this the other day and we were like, "Yeah I never thought we would be here 4 years from now, but I am glad that we are". Awww factor inserted here.

MAN I can't wait to be home. Home= my family, my animals, my bathtub, my bed, the beach, real seafood, Erica (my hair stylist), new tattoo with Patrick, the dance studio, dance family, the little ones that I teach, my girls!!! (the ones that I love to babysit), and RELAXATION! Ok....well maybe not relaxation since I will be working two jobs, plus babysitting, but at least it will be fun work! I love my job. If I didn't want 4 kids, I would work at the studio forever, but as fate has it- one cannot provide for 6 mouths on a dancer's salary....hell one can barely provide for one mouth on a dancer's salary! hahaha.

Well that is all for now, back to school work. All I have to do is get through Thursday and then I am home free baby! Sweet Southern Comfort bring me home!!!!
Until next time I remain
Your humble sister in Christ,
Clarkin