I'm In the Home Stretch

Well, this is it. This is my last semester as a undergrad. At least I hope it is. I have to pass all of my classes first, but I really don't foresee any problems with that task.

My college experience has been full of ups and downs. I rather enjoyed my freshman year, but I didn't really do anything to make it memorable. I was more or less trying to figure out the kind of person I was going to be. I tried out a round of clubs and groups in search of something that made me feel like I was a part of something. I never found it.

 Sophomore year was absolute crap. I joined a sorority and I lived with a cool girl from Australia for a semester, but other than those two things- I hated it. I actually wanted to leave my school. I was lonely, depressed, and the people I thought were my friends really weren't, so that added salt to the wounds. I'm really thankful to my parents though, because without them I wouldn't have lasted through second semester of my sophomore year. My parents took turns driving up on the weekends to see me, or they paid for me to go stay in a hotel for the weekend because I couldn't stand being in my own apartment. I laugh looking back on this year because I tried so freaking hard to be friends with certain people and to maintain friendships with others, and it turns out those people didn't give a flying flip about me. What in the world was I thinking?! Why would I waste so much time and emotion on people who, in all honesty, only cared about themselves? I have no idea. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Junior year was a much better year. I made the dance team despite my faceplant during tryouts, and it really boosted my confidence. Not only was I finally dancing again, but I met the most incredible people. After two long lonely years, I found my "nitch" at school. The people that I have come to know and love as my friends were already quite close and had history with each other. They brought it upon themselves to invite me into their circle of friends and they treated me like I had been there all along. And in all honesty- I would have given anything to be there all along. These people are my lifesavers. I decided to start over that year, and I did. I got rid of some negative things in my life, I tried to get back to focusing on my relationship with God, and I opened myself up to be my true self in the midst of all these new friends. The best part- they accepted me for it. They supported me through hard times and they always matched my input into the friendship. In fact- many times they exceeded my input. This was something I had never experienced before. I've always been the one to put more into relationships, but these people surprised me. I am forever thankful for all they have done and continue to do for me. These people inspired me to better myself- for myself, not for anyone else. I did that, and I'm proud of my accomplishments for my junior year.

And now here I am, in the middle of my senior year, and I sit back and think "did I do it right?" The first semester of senior year was a whirlwind. With dance and a class schedule of more than I could handle, I found myself going to bed at midnight every night and waking up at 6 AM just to get all my work done. It was absolute madness. Now that dance is over for the year, and my work load is just slightly lighter, I am really reflecting on not only my time in college, but my life in general.

We are always told to live life with no regrets. I'm not sure what kind of person lives with no regrets, because I certainly have a few. I regret not finding out whether or not I could have gone places with my dancing. I regret holding on to relationships that were detrimental to my personal well-being. I regret not keeping in contact with people I once held to be dear friends. I regret not being more involved in my college. I regret not going to Church more often. And I regret trying to change myself so that other people would like me. There are so many things that I wish I had done differently, but at the time I truly felt that I was making the right choice. Now, a lot of these things can attributed to my personal insecurities and young age, but I often wonder if other people feel the same way I do. Does anyone else sit back and wonder "what if?" Does anyone else wish they were still a kid sometimes? Does anyone else wonder if the direction they are headed in is in fact the right one? Considering where I was during my first two years of college, I think I have made strides in many areas during my last two years. I also think that I have many more strides to go.

Freshman year I spent the year trying to figure out who I was, and what I stood for. I thought I knew, but  I really didn't. I had a lot of questions, and many of those questions I have yet to answer. I know a little bit more about myself. I know that I thrive in healthy, positive, mutual relationships. I know that I have a deep connection to God, but I don't always make time to nurture that relationship, and I hope to change that. I know that taking care of others makes me happy. I know that I still have many insecurities, but I am continually working on them. I know that I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to do. I know that I have perfectionist tendencies and I am much harder on myself than anyone will ever know. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, but most people are unaware of this. I know that my biggest fear and most painful experience is disappointing others. I know that I cannot change the choices I have made in the past. I can only ask for forgiveness where needed, and forgive others even if they don't ask for it. I need to learn from the past and move forward.

So here I am- coming down the home stretch of college and I'd like to make this promise to myself. I may not have made all the right choices thus far, and I probably won't make all the right ones in the future, but I am pledging to stay true to who I am. I still haven't figured myself out completely, so I'll stay true to what I do know about myself until I can figure out the rest. I'm going to explore my every option in life and not let the fear of losing someone control my every decision. I also promise to make more time to nurture the relationships I already have. And finally, I promise to be happy, in whatever job/status/socioeconomic standing/location, etc that entails.

I don't think that having regrets in life is a bad thing. If I didn't regret things, then that would mean that I never made a choice that wasn't right for me. And if I hadn't done that, then I would be blissfully ignorant human being content with mediocrity. I don't want to be ignorant. I want to know as much as I can about as many different things as possible.

As my time here in college ends, I look forward to the future. I hope to be accepted into a Masters program for Public Administration in the Fall, and my plan is to work for non-profit companies. I intend to let my heart lead my decisions and to let go of things that I have no control over. Overall, I am happy with my college experience, and I hope to make the next chapter of my life even better.