Cuz who I am hates who I've been

I really enjoy spending time for personal reflection. Recently, I was able to take some quiet time and reflect, and I figured some stuff out. I was thinking about who I am, where I've been, where I'm going, and what I did to get here. I found myself singing the Relient K song "Who I am hates who I've been". I realized that somewhere along my way to here I lost part of myself. I mean externally I'm still pretty much the same- I wear more dresses and makeup now, and I actually do stuff with my hair...some of the time. Its on the inside that I have changed. I still value honesty and integrity, but somehow I lost my confidence in myself. I used to be so incredibly carefree. I didn't care what the hell people thought of me. I was a tomboy. My two best friends were guys. I didn't care about what my hair looked like or if I was wearing makeup. I hung out on folly and surfed with Jay and Kyle. Yes, I actually went in the water at one point. I spent the time that I wasn't at the studio outside. I wrote everything down. I didn't care about having a boyfriend becuase I had the best guyfriends anyone could ever ask for, and I figured Mr. Right would come along on his own time. So where the hell did I lose all of this? I have no idea. Maybe it was someone telling me that guys didn't want to date someone who preferred rock music over pop, or who ordered chicken wings instead of a salad, or who didn't give a flip what she was wearing. Maybe it was the fact that I actually got a boyfriend who liked me the way I was. And then having that change. Maybe it was the fact that I wanted to make everyone around me happy. Or maybe it was the fact that for once in my life I let someone tell me that I was insignificant. Whatever it was, I abandoned my carefree spirit. I let myself feel like I had to impress people to be my friends, and I became consumed with the way I looked or acted around other people. So after reflecting on all of this I have decided something. EFF IT. This is not who I am. I really don't care if you think I am attractive. I am going to order the fatty food over a salad 9/10 of the time. Although, I may order a ceaser salad, but those are totally fatty, so I don't care. I'm going to spend my summer outdoors. I'm going to write again. I am going to be carefree. Who I am hates who I've been, but not anymore! I'm loving my life. I love the people in it, and the fact that my guyfriends still want to hang out despite my deserting them says a lot. Guess I'm getting back on a board this summer. =)