Looking Back

I find that reflection is a very helpful tool in learning and growing. I have spent the down time at home doing some personal reflections- mainly of the last year. I have to say, I am quite disappointed in myself! I allowed myself to become someone that I promised never to be, and I ignored my morals and gut feelings and instead, allowed other forces to control me. Things got way out of hand. I am ashamed, and I vow to NEVER let myself slip back into who I was this past year. I made a list of certain promises that I will hold myself accountable to and I hope that all of my friends and supporters will aid me in keeping them. I guess I will share a few.
1. I vow to never let myself feel inferior to other people
2. I vow to never allow others to control how I feel
3. I vow to recognize selfishness, even when I don't want to see it in someone
4. I vow to MOVE ON! I mean really, you treat me like shit- oh well! I pity you and consequences will be rendered to you at the end of time- I don't need to waste my time.
5. I vow to always stand up for myself. I'm worth it

These are the five big promises that I am making to myself. There are others, but it is not necessary to write them here. They are written on my heart, and that is all that matters.

Unfortunately, I discovered this year that giving people the benefit of the doubt is not always the best manner to follow. I allowed people to literally walk over me this past year and I felt like shit because of it. They manipulated me and hurt my feelings, but most of all- they disappointed me. I had high hopes for several people that I considered to be friends, and as it turns out, they are nothing more than a waste of breath. I'll be civil, I'll smile and say hello;however, rest assured I will never, ever, waste another minute of my God-given free will on them ever again. This is my last ode to them:
I bid you all farewell. It is my sincerest hope that one day, you too will reflect, and in doing so, realize the manner in which you carry yourself. I pray that you will know how your actions can affect others, and that you can learn to love others as yourself. May God forgive you. I have- and now I can forget you, but never forget the lessons you have taught me.

It is refreshing to let go of a burden in my life! I rejoice in the Lord for granting me a forgiving heart and a will to grow strong against hate in this world. The Lord knows that there is plenty of it! And yet, the amazing thing is that God's love is suffocating. It is all around us. It fills me so completely- and I can only pray that one day it can fill the hearts and souls of my offenders, for until it does- they will continue to use and mistreat others as they did me. I pity them with the heaviest of hearts, knowing that they are totally foreign to the true joy and inner peace that I now possess.

I would like to end this post with a prayer of thanks and a prayer of petition.
Father, I praise and thank you for the love you fill me with, the joy in my heart, and the peace in my soul. I am grateful for every difficult moment of my life; for each challenge has enabled me to grow closer to you. That is my only desire: to know you, Lord. I pray for all who do not know you, Father, especially: persons 1,2, and 3. I pray that they may realize the emptiness of this life if you are not the center of it. May they repent for their sins and seek to desire nothing more than to serve you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.